People ask why I don't visit my family more often, after six hours of domestic travel I remember why. After leaving home at 3pm to get to the airport suitably early, a slight delay, a two-hour plane trip, a sphincter twitching landing and then a two-hour drive home I have established that someone needs to invent teleportation. The road from Cairns to Mossman was cut due to torrential rain, so my poor, old dad drove a 274km round trip to pick us up from the airport. Mum and I had also been to IKEA that day so we were knackered. The shit-eating grin my Finnish grandpa had on his face as he hoovered down his IKEA matjes made it all worth it, all six hours of it.