Tuesday, January 27, 2015

I literally just cut my baby out of his onesie

I’m typing this one-handed. I have my five-week-old in one arm giving me the stink eye while he nurses. He’s dressed in an adorbs onesie with little foxes all over it. The suit has about three million poppers that had to be done up while he screamed and kicked, as both my partner and I attempted to put him into his outfit. 

About three and a half minutes prior to this my partner called bullshit on the Bonds EasySuit and stated “you need to go get some scissors, we going to have to cut him outta this.” Yes, we actually just cut our newborn out of an outfit that we managed to get halfway on before he turned that crazy-ass red/purple colour and his eyes went full ‘chucky doll’ on us. Why, for the love of false idols everywhere, do they make baby clothes so stupid?

The answer is hormones and idiocy. Hello hormones, thank you idiocy.  Prior to the birth of our bundle of joy I went a little soft in the head and gathered a very large assortment of sweet, and wonderfully cute baby clothes to feather my nest with. Sailor suits, overalls, baby jeggings, you name it – because OMFG how cute are baby clothes!?

We were gifted hand-me-downs and new outfits from expensive shops with names that sound like a shade of paint you’d paint you house with, oh so many cute little things! I was prepared, and we were to have the best dressed little chap in town. Awesome parenting – check.

I would often go into the nursery and do a ‘tiny outfit stocktake’ just to delight in;
1. how wonderful my taste is and,
2. to imagine my bonny boy dressed in his best outfits for photos and visits.
You could almost hear the ovaries pop each time I handled the tiny clothes. Just like big people clothes, but for tiny babies.

And that, is wherein lies the problem.

You see babies, unlike big people, generally get dressed while on their back, kicking and wailing. The combination of frantically flailing limbs with a scream that makes you think their little head might actually pop off if you don’t hurry the F up, makes doing things like putting an EasySuit on NOT easy.


Our saviour has been those swaddles with the two-way zipper – essentially a bag. We dress our baby in a bag. But now as he lies here (currently asleep) quietly farting into my hand, I look at him in his little outfit and melt, he looks so darn cute in this onesie with the foxes. I really should buy this in the next size up.    

Easy baby outfit = singlet and nappy


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